Saturday, December 12, 2009

4 years ago today 12/12/2005, Mike's family from Lawrence County came up to spend the day with us for Christmas. We had been noticing changes in Hawk since Oct. But on this day, I could tell that things were getting worse. He looked like someone who had had a stroke. I remember taking a picture of him, Jamie and Skyla in front of the tree. He was holding onto Jamie's hand. And Hawk wasn't smiling. I wondered why he wasn't smiling. Now I understand that he couldn't smile. I don't like to look at that picture. I understand now that he was trying to smile, but just couldn't. Breaks my heart. There was a tumor inside his head on his brain stem. After everyone left, I called Lindy and asked her to make an appt. with Hawk's doctor and I would take him.She called the next day and said that his appt was for Dec 15th.

I called Jamie and asked if he wanted to go with me and he did. Hawk's other grandpa called me and said he wanted to go also. On the 15th, Ken picked Hawk up and met Jamie and me at the doctor's office. I remember every detail of that day. I remember what the examination room looked like. How Hawk reacted when Jamie and I walked in. He was so excited to see Jamie, as always. Jamie and Lindy were divorced, so Hawk didn't see Jamie everyday. I remember Dr Steger coming into the room and holding her finger in front of Hawk's eyes and telling him to follow her finger. He couldn't follow with his right eye. I knew immediately that something was very wrong. She left the room and immediately called Vanderbilt Children's Hospital. She came back in and told us to take Hawk to Vanderbilt. That it was possibly a stroke, a tumor on his brain or a tumor on his spine. I am a very positive thinking person. On the way to Vanderbilt, I was thinking...if it's a stroke, I'm sure that can be corrected.

We got to Vanderbilt. They did an MRI. They came into the room and told Jamie that Hawk definitely had a mass on the brain, but would do a CT scan the next day to determine exactly what it was. Lindy and Barbara arrived at the hospital, Mike stayed at our house and took care of Skyla. I remember Hawk's hospital room and everything about that day. Dr Steger, Hawk's pediatrician came to Vanderbilt and came into Hawk's room and went around the room and hugged everyone of us. When I got home that night, I told Mike....I don't know exactly what's wrong, but it's going to be very bad. And I was right.

The next day on the 16th, they did the CT scan. By the time they had the results, the only people who were at the hospital were Mike, Jamie, Lindy and I. Dr K came into Hawk's room and asked Jamie and Lindy to step into another room with him. They asked if I wanted to go. Mike stayed in the room with Hawk and played a game of candyland. Dr. K calmly told us that Hawk had a tumor on his brain stem....the worse kind of cancer a child can have....the name for it is diffuse intrinsic pontine glioma...DIPG. That 95% of the children live less than 2 yrs. That there was no cure. I called all of our family and told them. Everyone was in shock and disbelief. There were a lot of tears shed. And so began the nightmare for our family. Our lives changed on those 3 days and will never be the same again.

Hawk lived 13 1/2 months after being diagnosed. And passed away on Feb. 4, 2007. We miss him everyday. We will NEVER stop missing him or loving him.

Very little is done for cancer research for children. Only a small percent of money raised for cancer research is given for the children. 100% of money raised at Hawk's Walk will go to bringing awareness and research for childhood cancer.

I don't remember any other Dec 12, 15 or 16th of any other year in my life. But I'll always remember Dec 12th, 15th and 16th of 2005.

And on Dec 15th of this year, we'll be spending it at a benefit for Bishop Mikaelian, a beautiful young girl who is fighting a brain tumor. I'm thankful that on Dec 15th of this year, we can be supporting and encouraging another family who knows the pain and heartache of having a child with a brain tumor, but I'm not glad that after 4 years very little has been done for childhood cancer awareness and research