Hawk--3 yrs old, Mike, and Jamie.

Hawk 18 months old.

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I found these pictures today in a closet that I was cleaning out. I had tried to clean it 2 times before, but couldn't do it. A lot of the clothes in it belonged to Hawk. But today I was able to clean it out. I am giving his clothes to our daughter-in-law for her two grandsons. I kept a little sweat shirt of his that he had painted a snowman on. I found these pictures in some of Jamies things that he had left here. I have never seen these pictures before. I made me some copies and I will give these to Jamie. All we have now are memories and pictures and movies. I am thankful that we have all of these things, but it's still hard to believe that he is gone.

Mike and Hawk's other grandpa, Ken went to the church today and put together some playground equipment that had been donated in Hawk's memory. A lot of people had donated money to the Children's ministry in Hawk's memory and the playground equipment was one of the things that was purchased. They were having Tuesday school at church today and after Mike and Ken got the equipment put together, the 5 year old's came out and played on it. Hawk would have liked that.

We miss him every day. But we will get through this with the Lord's help.

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"I lift up mine eyes to the hills--where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the maker of heaven and earth. Psalms: 121

Brooke and Mike came into the sunroom and she absolutely cheers me up. I was really feeling sad in the previous post. But how can I be down when my precious little grandchildren are here. They have no idea how much joy they bring to our lives. They keep us so entertained. Thank you God.

Sometimes I'll have a little peace about Hawk's death and then it will hit again. I have a screen saver that goes across my computer and just now there was a picture of Hawk and the other grandchildren together. I looked at it and---I hate that this happened to him and to our family .I just want to scream. But it won't do any good. There's nothing I can do to change it. I know that he's in a better place and that we'll see him again, but I'm only human and right now I hate all of this. But I know that God will heal our family of this pain.

Went to kroger today. Still hurts to go to kroger. We usually go to wal-mart. Kroger is where we always went to buy organic food for Hawk. It was very painful the first time we went back to kroger after Hawk passed away. They have a wonderful organic food section. When we passed it, I got very emotional. When we got to the meat section, we saw a young mother who attends our church, Brooke Palmer. She has 4 children. The children really didn't know Mike and I that well, but they just came over to Mike and I and were so friendly. They really lifted my spirits and I told their mother what a blessing they were to me that day.
God put them there.
Today was still hard, but not as hard as the first time we went back. I miss Hawk so much. I have a lot of anger and a lot of hurt, but am trying to work through it. I feel like writing it down will help (hopefully me and someone else). I am beginning to come out of the tunnel of pain and anger. The best things we did for Hawk was to love him, spend time with him, be there for him, pray for him, stay positive and happy around him. The worst thing we did (in my opinion) was to take him to a "healing service". If I offend anyone, I'm sorry. This is my opinon only. We were told that Hawk was healed, and if we had enough faith then he would stay healed. Here is my opinion on all of this. Hawk got cancer because we live in a fallen world--we have disease, we have crime, we hear of things that are so cruel--but we live in a sinful, fallen world--if we lived in a perfect world, then Jesus would have come in vain. God is there to get us through these painful times. The young mother and her children in kroger was a gift from God. Sometimes God does not answer our prayers like we want Him to . But He is God and we are not. "Thy will be done, not mine." Even Jesus (and there is no one with more faith than Jesus), prayed for the cup of sacrifice to be removed from Him. But he said, "Thy will not mine be done" and he accepted God's will and went to the cross.
We are a family of Faith. All of Hawk's family--his mother, his dad, his dad's girlfriend, his step-father, his grandparents, his aunts and uncles, his cousins. It takes faith to hear that this precious little child has a terminal illness. It takes faith to pray for him to stay here, but to know in the end that he is not going to be able to stay. And for me, to change my prayer to "Thy will not mine be done." Faith to watch him take his last breath, but to know that he is going to a better place. Faith to watch what the disease did to his little body the last 2 weeks of his life. Faith to watch him be lowered into the ground.
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"Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. 14We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him."
---1 Thessalonians 4, 13-14
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Faith to live this and not go crazy. Without our faith, I don't know what we would do.Faith to get up every day without him and to be grateful for the beauty of this world, faith on Breanna's part to tell God what to tell Hawk every night. Faith to enjoy our life here and to enjoy our grandchildren, to laugh with them and be thankful for them.
We love you Hawk. It was not in our power to keep you here, but it was in our power to love you and cherish you and to cherish your memory.
We will always love you and miss you, our precious little grandson.

This picture was taken last Thursday, Oct. 11, 2007

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Breanna in front of the fall display we made.

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Wednesday, Oct 10th, was Breanna's 7th birthday. We couldn't attend her b/day party, so we got her on Thursday and spent the day with her. When we picked her up, we asked her where she wanted to go eat and she said that she really wanted some gravy and biscuits, it was lunchtime, so I said we would go to Cracker Barrel. We went to Cracker Barrel and she had gravy and biscuit and a scrambled egg. Before we left there, she wanted her and Mike to sit on the porch and play a game of checkers. They played 2 games of checkers and she won both times (imagine that).

We left there and went to Comers Pumpkin Patch to get some items for our fall display. She helped us pick out some pumpkins and gourds and mums. We found some really unusual gourds. We came back to our house a different way than we usually do so that she could see some Lamas. One of our neighbors has some lamas. We also passed a cemetery. When we passed the cemetery, Breanna said, "everytime I pass a cemetery, I think of my Hawkie." We came on back to our house and fixed the fall decoration.

We asked what she wanted to do then and she decided that she wanted to go to the movie. We went to the 7 pm showing of Game Plan. It was really cute. On the way over there, she made up a little rhyme--"Breanna and nanna, they both say anna".

She spent the night with us and we really enjoyed spending time with her. Before she went to bed, she said her prayers and she told God what to tell Hawk. She did this in private, so I don't know what she told God to tell Hawk. Every night she tells God what to tell Hawk from her. She is a sweet, precious, loving, funny, smart little girl. --------------------------------------------

Kayla and Breanna

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Kayla came on Friday afternoon and spent the afternoon with us. Tuesday came and picked them up and Kayla spent the weekend with Kevin, Tuesday, Breanna and Brooke. She loves to be her little cousins. And they love to be with her. Kayla is a typical teenager--she likes to spend time with her friends, talk on the phone, play on the computer etc. she makes very good grades. Breanna makes all A's on her report card. Kayla told Breanna what I've been telling her since she was a little girl "Make good grades, go to college, get an education, and get a good job." I thought it was cute for her to tell her that that's what I've been telling her all of these years.

Twelve years ago we moved a mile up the road to our present home. We still own the other house, we rent it out. Anyway, today we saw the woman who lived across the road from us at the other house (1 mile down the road). We found out that her 7 year old grandson has a brain tumor. He has had 3 surgeries and is now taking chemotherapy. He has lost his sight and is blind because of the tumor. The people who live across from us now had a grandson who passed away 2 yrs ago because of cancer. He was 2 when they found it and lived 6 years with it. And we have lost our grandson to cancer. What are the odds of 3 families who live within 1 mile of each other having grandsons who have had or have cancer??? One family lives across the road from us now and one family lived across from us at the other house. Also the grandson of the family across the street who passed away 2 yrs ago and our grandson, Hawk went to the same church where we attend. What are the odds of 3 families who live within 1 mile of each other having grandsons who have had or have cancer???

Edith, Carol, and Linda

Linda, Edith and Me

---------------------------------------On Saturday, September 29, 2007, we all met at Carol's daughter (Karen's) house in Columbia. It had been about 38 years since we had seen each other. We were best friends when we were growing up in St. Joseph, Tn.(a very small town in Lawrence County). We went to school with each other from 1st grade through high school. And we were best friends all of those years.

About 3 years ago, I was thinking that I would really like to contact Edith. I went on the internet and tried to find her, but to no avail. Anyway, after several weeks of trying, Edith sent me a Christmas card. First time ever since we had lost contact that she had sent me a Christmas card. Anyway, we started e-mailing each other. She had Carol's e-mail, so I got that from her and started e-mailing Carol. Another friend of ours from high school was e-mailing all of us. Anyway, Linda asked him to e-mail us and see if she could have our e-mail addresses. Of course, we all immediately e-mailed her and we've all been e-mailing ever since.

Then we decided that we wanted to get together. So we finally decided on a day and a place. I got to Karen's house first. Linda, Carol and Edith were riding together. I called Carol's cell phone and she called me back. This was the first time that I had spoken to her in almost 40 yrs. She said that they would be there in a few minutes. I looked up and saw this white car coming toward me and there were two women in the front and one in the back and they were all waving and grinning. They parked and we all got out and were together again after so many years. We hugged and went in the house.

When we first started talking about a reunion, I thought--what if we don't have anything to talk about after all these years---well I didn't have to worry about that. We talked and talked. Then we went to a neat little restaurant in Columbia and ate lunch and talked and talked. We came back to Karen's and talked and talked.We talked about all of the pj parties we used to have. All the trips to Florence, Ala. we used to take. The time that my parents let us take all of the furniture out of the living room and have a luau.The club that we started called, The Debutants. Everyone wanted to be a member of that club. And we talked about the things that had happened in our lives in the last 37 years. We were together for about 7 hours and to me it was like 37 years had not gone by. I was so thrilled to see them again. I never dreamed that the four of us would be together again after all of these years. Anyway, we are still e-mailing and planning our next get-together. We don't ever want to let all those years go by again without seeing each other.

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Edith and I and my sister, Wanda,all went to Draughon's Business college together after high school and shared an apartment in Nashville. I lost touch with Edith after that. She moved to Florence, Ala. and worked at Reynolds.She retired from there and they were bought out by Wise Alloys LLC. She works for Wise Alloys now in the accounting dept. She has been at the same location for 39 years. She married Chris Cabaniss and they have 2 grown children, a son and a daughter.

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Carol went on to college and taught 6th grade in Lawrence County. She married Royce Neidert and they have 2 grown daughters. She retired this year from teaching.

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Linda married and divorced Terry Talley (deceased). She has 1 daughter and 2 grandchildren. She had enough credits in the 11th grade and passed the SAT test that she skipped the 12th grade and went on to college. She designs clothes and jewelry and has worked in the music industry and is now the fashion stylist to a country music star. She lives in St. Joe and commutes to Nashville and stays in Nashville 3 days a week.

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I graduated high school and went to Draughon's Business College in Nashville. At 18, I married my childhood sweetheart, Mike Smith and at 19 I had our first son, at 20 I had our second son and at 24 I had our third son. I worked for the State of Tennessee during some of that, but after the birth of Jamie (our third son), we decided that it was too much to try to work with 3 children. I stayed at home with them and did part-time work, sold avon, sold tupperware, babysat. Mike worked with UPS. He retired in January after 37 years with them. All of my family is on this blog.

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Linda, Carol, Edith and I e-mail each other constantly now and I can't wait to see them again and to continue our friendship.

This is in memory of Hawk and in honor of Breanna.

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One day Breanna was going through the toybox and she found these figurines. She got them out of the toybox and put them beside each other and she said that this was her and Hawk and that it was a memory of them. I guess that the girl one was the only one she found that had long curly hair like her and this is the only little boy figure we have. I thought that was so sweet of her to do that. I know she misses Hawk so much. They were so close. Anyway, I have these sitting on top of the piano and I plan to keep them there for a long time. God bless you, Breanna. I know you miss your little cousin, Hawk. You are a loving, caring, precious little girl and I am proud to be your grandmother.

Breanna got her first report card in first grade and she made all A's. Her teacher wrote on her report card that she was hard working and had a great personality and was a very good student. She is a very funny, sweet little girl.