Hawk--3 yrs old, Mike, and Jamie.

Hawk 18 months old.

----------------------------------

I found these pictures today in a closet that I was cleaning out. I had tried to clean it 2 times before, but couldn't do it. A lot of the clothes in it belonged to Hawk. But today I was able to clean it out. I am giving his clothes to our daughter-in-law for her two grandsons. I kept a little sweat shirt of his that he had painted a snowman on. I found these pictures in some of Jamies things that he had left here. I have never seen these pictures before. I made me some copies and I will give these to Jamie. All we have now are memories and pictures and movies. I am thankful that we have all of these things, but it's still hard to believe that he is gone.

Mike and Hawk's other grandpa, Ken went to the church today and put together some playground equipment that had been donated in Hawk's memory. A lot of people had donated money to the Children's ministry in Hawk's memory and the playground equipment was one of the things that was purchased. They were having Tuesday school at church today and after Mike and Ken got the equipment put together, the 5 year old's came out and played on it. Hawk would have liked that.

We miss him every day. But we will get through this with the Lord's help.

---------------------------

"I lift up mine eyes to the hills--where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the maker of heaven and earth. Psalms: 121

Brooke and Mike came into the sunroom and she absolutely cheers me up. I was really feeling sad in the previous post. But how can I be down when my precious little grandchildren are here. They have no idea how much joy they bring to our lives. They keep us so entertained. Thank you God.

Sometimes I'll have a little peace about Hawk's death and then it will hit again. I have a screen saver that goes across my computer and just now there was a picture of Hawk and the other grandchildren together. I looked at it and---I hate that this happened to him and to our family .I just want to scream. But it won't do any good. There's nothing I can do to change it. I know that he's in a better place and that we'll see him again, but I'm only human and right now I hate all of this. But I know that God will heal our family of this pain.

Went to kroger today. Still hurts to go to kroger. We usually go to wal-mart. Kroger is where we always went to buy organic food for Hawk. It was very painful the first time we went back to kroger after Hawk passed away. They have a wonderful organic food section. When we passed it, I got very emotional. When we got to the meat section, we saw a young mother who attends our church, Brooke Palmer. She has 4 children. The children really didn't know Mike and I that well, but they just came over to Mike and I and were so friendly. They really lifted my spirits and I told their mother what a blessing they were to me that day.
God put them there.
Today was still hard, but not as hard as the first time we went back. I miss Hawk so much. I have a lot of anger and a lot of hurt, but am trying to work through it. I feel like writing it down will help (hopefully me and someone else). I am beginning to come out of the tunnel of pain and anger. The best things we did for Hawk was to love him, spend time with him, be there for him, pray for him, stay positive and happy around him. The worst thing we did (in my opinion) was to take him to a "healing service". If I offend anyone, I'm sorry. This is my opinon only. We were told that Hawk was healed, and if we had enough faith then he would stay healed. Here is my opinion on all of this. Hawk got cancer because we live in a fallen world--we have disease, we have crime, we hear of things that are so cruel--but we live in a sinful, fallen world--if we lived in a perfect world, then Jesus would have come in vain. God is there to get us through these painful times. The young mother and her children in kroger was a gift from God. Sometimes God does not answer our prayers like we want Him to . But He is God and we are not. "Thy will be done, not mine." Even Jesus (and there is no one with more faith than Jesus), prayed for the cup of sacrifice to be removed from Him. But he said, "Thy will not mine be done" and he accepted God's will and went to the cross.
We are a family of Faith. All of Hawk's family--his mother, his dad, his dad's girlfriend, his step-father, his grandparents, his aunts and uncles, his cousins. It takes faith to hear that this precious little child has a terminal illness. It takes faith to pray for him to stay here, but to know in the end that he is not going to be able to stay. And for me, to change my prayer to "Thy will not mine be done." Faith to watch him take his last breath, but to know that he is going to a better place. Faith to watch what the disease did to his little body the last 2 weeks of his life. Faith to watch him be lowered into the ground.
-----------------------------------------------
"Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. 14We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him."
---1 Thessalonians 4, 13-14
------------------------------------------
Faith to live this and not go crazy. Without our faith, I don't know what we would do.Faith to get up every day without him and to be grateful for the beauty of this world, faith on Breanna's part to tell God what to tell Hawk every night. Faith to enjoy our life here and to enjoy our grandchildren, to laugh with them and be thankful for them.
We love you Hawk. It was not in our power to keep you here, but it was in our power to love you and cherish you and to cherish your memory.
We will always love you and miss you, our precious little grandson.

This picture was taken last Thursday, Oct. 11, 2007

----------------------------

Breanna in front of the fall display we made.

------------------------------------------

Wednesday, Oct 10th, was Breanna's 7th birthday. We couldn't attend her b/day party, so we got her on Thursday and spent the day with her. When we picked her up, we asked her where she wanted to go eat and she said that she really wanted some gravy and biscuits, it was lunchtime, so I said we would go to Cracker Barrel. We went to Cracker Barrel and she had gravy and biscuit and a scrambled egg. Before we left there, she wanted her and Mike to sit on the porch and play a game of checkers. They played 2 games of checkers and she won both times (imagine that).

We left there and went to Comers Pumpkin Patch to get some items for our fall display. She helped us pick out some pumpkins and gourds and mums. We found some really unusual gourds. We came back to our house a different way than we usually do so that she could see some Lamas. One of our neighbors has some lamas. We also passed a cemetery. When we passed the cemetery, Breanna said, "everytime I pass a cemetery, I think of my Hawkie." We came on back to our house and fixed the fall decoration.

We asked what she wanted to do then and she decided that she wanted to go to the movie. We went to the 7 pm showing of Game Plan. It was really cute. On the way over there, she made up a little rhyme--"Breanna and nanna, they both say anna".

She spent the night with us and we really enjoyed spending time with her. Before she went to bed, she said her prayers and she told God what to tell Hawk. She did this in private, so I don't know what she told God to tell Hawk. Every night she tells God what to tell Hawk from her. She is a sweet, precious, loving, funny, smart little girl. --------------------------------------------

Kayla and Breanna

-------------------------------

Kayla came on Friday afternoon and spent the afternoon with us. Tuesday came and picked them up and Kayla spent the weekend with Kevin, Tuesday, Breanna and Brooke. She loves to be her little cousins. And they love to be with her. Kayla is a typical teenager--she likes to spend time with her friends, talk on the phone, play on the computer etc. she makes very good grades. Breanna makes all A's on her report card. Kayla told Breanna what I've been telling her since she was a little girl "Make good grades, go to college, get an education, and get a good job." I thought it was cute for her to tell her that that's what I've been telling her all of these years.

Twelve years ago we moved a mile up the road to our present home. We still own the other house, we rent it out. Anyway, today we saw the woman who lived across the road from us at the other house (1 mile down the road). We found out that her 7 year old grandson has a brain tumor. He has had 3 surgeries and is now taking chemotherapy. He has lost his sight and is blind because of the tumor. The people who live across from us now had a grandson who passed away 2 yrs ago because of cancer. He was 2 when they found it and lived 6 years with it. And we have lost our grandson to cancer. What are the odds of 3 families who live within 1 mile of each other having grandsons who have had or have cancer??? One family lives across the road from us now and one family lived across from us at the other house. Also the grandson of the family across the street who passed away 2 yrs ago and our grandson, Hawk went to the same church where we attend. What are the odds of 3 families who live within 1 mile of each other having grandsons who have had or have cancer???

Edith, Carol, and Linda

Linda, Edith and Me

---------------------------------------On Saturday, September 29, 2007, we all met at Carol's daughter (Karen's) house in Columbia. It had been about 38 years since we had seen each other. We were best friends when we were growing up in St. Joseph, Tn.(a very small town in Lawrence County). We went to school with each other from 1st grade through high school. And we were best friends all of those years.

About 3 years ago, I was thinking that I would really like to contact Edith. I went on the internet and tried to find her, but to no avail. Anyway, after several weeks of trying, Edith sent me a Christmas card. First time ever since we had lost contact that she had sent me a Christmas card. Anyway, we started e-mailing each other. She had Carol's e-mail, so I got that from her and started e-mailing Carol. Another friend of ours from high school was e-mailing all of us. Anyway, Linda asked him to e-mail us and see if she could have our e-mail addresses. Of course, we all immediately e-mailed her and we've all been e-mailing ever since.

Then we decided that we wanted to get together. So we finally decided on a day and a place. I got to Karen's house first. Linda, Carol and Edith were riding together. I called Carol's cell phone and she called me back. This was the first time that I had spoken to her in almost 40 yrs. She said that they would be there in a few minutes. I looked up and saw this white car coming toward me and there were two women in the front and one in the back and they were all waving and grinning. They parked and we all got out and were together again after so many years. We hugged and went in the house.

When we first started talking about a reunion, I thought--what if we don't have anything to talk about after all these years---well I didn't have to worry about that. We talked and talked. Then we went to a neat little restaurant in Columbia and ate lunch and talked and talked. We came back to Karen's and talked and talked.We talked about all of the pj parties we used to have. All the trips to Florence, Ala. we used to take. The time that my parents let us take all of the furniture out of the living room and have a luau.The club that we started called, The Debutants. Everyone wanted to be a member of that club. And we talked about the things that had happened in our lives in the last 37 years. We were together for about 7 hours and to me it was like 37 years had not gone by. I was so thrilled to see them again. I never dreamed that the four of us would be together again after all of these years. Anyway, we are still e-mailing and planning our next get-together. We don't ever want to let all those years go by again without seeing each other.

--------------------------------------------------

Edith and I and my sister, Wanda,all went to Draughon's Business college together after high school and shared an apartment in Nashville. I lost touch with Edith after that. She moved to Florence, Ala. and worked at Reynolds.She retired from there and they were bought out by Wise Alloys LLC. She works for Wise Alloys now in the accounting dept. She has been at the same location for 39 years. She married Chris Cabaniss and they have 2 grown children, a son and a daughter.

-----------------------------------------------------

Carol went on to college and taught 6th grade in Lawrence County. She married Royce Neidert and they have 2 grown daughters. She retired this year from teaching.

-----------------------------------------------------

Linda married and divorced Terry Talley (deceased). She has 1 daughter and 2 grandchildren. She had enough credits in the 11th grade and passed the SAT test that she skipped the 12th grade and went on to college. She designs clothes and jewelry and has worked in the music industry and is now the fashion stylist to a country music star. She lives in St. Joe and commutes to Nashville and stays in Nashville 3 days a week.

--------------------------------------------------------

I graduated high school and went to Draughon's Business College in Nashville. At 18, I married my childhood sweetheart, Mike Smith and at 19 I had our first son, at 20 I had our second son and at 24 I had our third son. I worked for the State of Tennessee during some of that, but after the birth of Jamie (our third son), we decided that it was too much to try to work with 3 children. I stayed at home with them and did part-time work, sold avon, sold tupperware, babysat. Mike worked with UPS. He retired in January after 37 years with them. All of my family is on this blog.

------------------------------------------------
Linda, Carol, Edith and I e-mail each other constantly now and I can't wait to see them again and to continue our friendship.

This is in memory of Hawk and in honor of Breanna.

----------

One day Breanna was going through the toybox and she found these figurines. She got them out of the toybox and put them beside each other and she said that this was her and Hawk and that it was a memory of them. I guess that the girl one was the only one she found that had long curly hair like her and this is the only little boy figure we have. I thought that was so sweet of her to do that. I know she misses Hawk so much. They were so close. Anyway, I have these sitting on top of the piano and I plan to keep them there for a long time. God bless you, Breanna. I know you miss your little cousin, Hawk. You are a loving, caring, precious little girl and I am proud to be your grandmother.

Breanna got her first report card in first grade and she made all A's. Her teacher wrote on her report card that she was hard working and had a great personality and was a very good student. She is a very funny, sweet little girl.

Skyla Sno.

I picked Skyla up at daycare today and we kept her until about 7:00. She is so cute. She likes to swing and slide and swing on the tire swing. She talks all the time. Mike pushed her in the stroller down to our neighbor's house. They have 5 zebras now and one baby zebra. The grandbabies love to go down there and see the zebras, and especially the baby zebra.

When I got to her daycare, she ran to me and was so excited to see me. She ran to me and said, "Nannie!!" That's what Hawk used to do. She is so much like him. It is still hard to believe that he is gone. Some days are so painful. I don't know if we'll ever have peace with it. We miss him so much.

Mike and I in front of the old Shoals theater in Florence Ala.

-----------------------------------------

Mother and Daddy used to take us to this theater when we were little. I remember that my sister, Wanda and I would sit in the seats right in front of mother and daddy. Daddy would put his hands over our eyes when the cartoon would come on and pretend that he wasn't going to let us see the cartoons. This is where I first saw the movie-Gone With The Wind. I must have been very little-the only scene that I remembered was when the little girl fell off of the pony. Later, when I was a teenager, my friend Linda Hill and I went to the same theater to see Gone With The Wind again, and when I saw that scene, then I remembered that that was the movie that I had seen as a little girl.

-----------------------------------------

Frances and I in front of the fountain in the park in Florence, Ala.

----------------------------------------

Mike and I and our good friends, Charlie and Fran Parson took a trip to Lawrence County, Tn and Florence Ala. We left Friday morning and came back on Sunday afternoon. Mike has family down there and we usually go and spend the night and come right back. Charlie and Fran have heard us talk about Lawrence County so much that they wanted to go down there and see it and I wanted to go back an relive old memories. So Mike and I went as tourist this time. Both of us were raised up there. He in Loretto, Tn and I in St. Joseph, Tn., but it had been a long time since I had been back to some parts of St. Joe. My parents moved from there about 20 yrs ago and now they have both passed away.

We got down there on Friday morning and stopped at Ethridge and got a map of the Amish community. We drove out to the Amish community and saw some of their houses and their school house. We stopped an bought some molasses and some baskets. The baskets are beautiful and very inexpensive.

When we left there, we drove to Loretto and stopped at Riley's restaurant and ate catfish--very good. Then we went on to St. Joe. We drove by a lot of places that I have good memories of. The first house my parents lived in (where they lived when I and my sister were born). But some of the houses on that street are boarded up and look pitiful. One of the houses that I remember very well was where the Farris's lived. It was a large beautiful home, but now it is boarded up. We spent a lot of time with their two oldest sons, Donnie and Ray. It was at their house that I fell and broke my arm. I was five. Ray was riding his tricycle and we had a wagon tied to the back and I was in the wagon. We were going around and around on their porch and the wagon fell off and I broke my arm. One Christmas we went to their house and Santa Clause was there. We were all in the living room and he came walking down the stairs. Now all of them are gone except Donnie.

From there we drove on out to Mt. Nebo. We drove by the house that we lived in when I was in the second grade. Mike and his family lived next door to us then. We drove by Mike's grandparents old home and by the cemetery where some of our relatives are buried. We drove by where my childhood friend, Edith Wilcoxson (Cabaniss) lived. The house is no longer there.

From there we came back to St. Joe and drove by the old elementary school (it is all grown up and looks pitiful), drove through St. Joe. Drove by where my childhood friend, Linda Hill (Talley) lived, by where the old Church of Christ was, by where my childhood friend, Carol Jackson (Neidert) lived, drove by where my grandparents lived. Then drove on up to where my family lived in the rock house in St. Joe. We lived close to a grocery store and my sister and I would walk to the store and get cold drinks and candy and comic books and on Friday our dad would come by there and pay the bill. My mother had a beauty shop in the back of that house. It was fun for my friends and I to have a beauty shop in my house.

That house burned down earlier this year, so it is no longer there. I dream of that house sometimes.

We left there and drove to Florence, Ala. My dad worked in Florence at the Wilson Dam. We always did everything in Florence. Mother would take us shopping there and we would go to Sears and on the way back, we would stop at a little restaurant called Pig and Poke. I couldn't find the old Sears store and the restaurant is something else now. On Fridays we would pick my Dad up at work and we would go to a drive-in movie and out to eat. And sometimes they would take us to the theater in Florence. I found the old shoals theater and the park that is across the street from there. We drove out the Wilson Dam. We spent the night in Florence.

The next morning we drove back to St. Joe and went to the park. My children have a lot of good memories of my mother and dad taking them to the park and letting them swim in the creek and throw rocks in the creek. Our boys carved their names on a tree there when they were little.

We drove by the Catholic church in St. Joe. Someone suggested that because it is so old and has beautiful stained glass windows. We left there and drove out in the country where my Uncle Clifton(deceased) and my Aunt Frances Grigsby (she is in assisted living now) used to live and then drove out to where my Uncle Jr and Aunt Letha Grigsby (both deceased) used to live. They lived in the same house and raised their family there all of their lives. The house sits at the end of a dead end gravel road. Anyway, their children still own the house and go out there a lot. I spent a lot of my childhood at their house. Bobby, Carolyn, Sheila and I would build playhouses in the woods. I remember once Dan found an old steering wheel attached to a long pipe. We stacked up blocks and put boards across them and propped the steering wheel up in front and we pretended that we had a car. We had a lot of fun pretending to travel in that car. Anyway, we drove out to their house and Dan and his wife Ann and his sister Carolyn and her husband, Ronnie were there. They had their campers and were spending the weekend out there. It was great getting to see all of them. Their sister, Bobby, who is my age, passed away in 2001. We spent a lot of our childhood together. I hated to see her have to go. I have a lot of wonderful memories of staying at their house.

After we left there we drove on up to Loretto and spent the rest of Saturday with Mike's family. We toured Loretto and saw Mike's old elementary school. It has been kept up better than my old school and saw the high school that we both attended, but it looks entirely different. Mike's dad and step-mom rode around with us and he told Charlie and Fran a lot about that area. We all went up to Lawrenceburg and ate supper that night. Mike's brother, Sammy and his wife, Debbie joined all of us for supper. Mike and I and Charlie and Fran spent the night in Lawrenceburg. Mike and I have been gone from Lawrence County for 38 years. We have gone back every month since then to visit family. But we would go to their houses and spend all of our time with them and then go straight back home. This is the first time in my life ( I am 57) that I have ever spent the night in a motel in Lawrence County. We've always stayed with family.

These are pictures of a beautiful rainbow taken on Monday afternoon looking out from my front yard.

These pictures were taken during our recent trip to Boone, NC with our good friends, Charlie and Frances Parson. We went up there in August for about 4 days. It was so hot and dry here, so we decided to go somewhere that was not so hot. It was in the 80's there. We really enjoyed being away from the heat for a few days.

The mile high swinging bridge at Grandfather Mountain, Boone, NC

Me, Fran, and Charlie standing in front of Mast General Store, the oldest store in N.C.

Frances, Me and Mike at Blowing Rock, N.C.
Me and Mike----Fran and Charlie at Blowing Rock, N.C.

Charlie and Mike at Grandfather Mountain

These pictures were taken on our trip in June to Florida. This Larry, a good friend of Fran and Charlie's, with me, Mike and Charlie. We stayed with Larry for 3 days in Jacksonville on our way to New Smyrna Beach, Fla.





These are Fran and Charlie good friends with Mike and me---Ged and Joan. This was taken in New Smyrna, Fla. They came and stayed 2 days with all of us. We really had a good time.

If the Good Lord's willing, Fran and Charlie and Mike and I and our son, Chris and his wife, Wanda are planning on going to North Myrtle Beach, S.C. the first week of November. Charlie and Fran and Mike and I each have a time-share there. My sister , Wanda and her husband, Warren live in Myrtle Beach, S.C., so we will be visiting with them also.

And, if the good Lord's willing, Fran and Charlie and Mike and I are planning a trip out west next spring. We plan on driving and taking our time and seeing the Grand Canyon, Bryce Canyon, Los Vegas, San Francisco, the redwood forest, some of Route 66 and I guess just wherever we decide to go.

Skyla pushing Brooke in the swing

Brooke in the backyard, waiting to swing Skyla in the swing.

Skyla in the swing. She and Brooke spent the night with us on Friday.

Brooke and Skyla. They spent the night on Friday night. We usually get them one day a week. The are so cute together. They bring so much joy to our life. They are so cute and fun.

Brooke pushing Skyla in the swing. We are so blessed to have our grandchildren. Brooke is 3 and Skyla will be 3 on 9/18/07. They both say and do the cutest things. I look forward to seeing them every week. We can't get Breanna during the week because she goes to school. She is in the first grade. Tuesday sent us some of her school work and she made 100 on all of her papers. She is a sweet little girl.

Kayla and Breanna. Both of them are doing very well in school. Breanna was baptized last Sunday at Defeated Creek. She will be 7 on 10/10/07. It was a very nice service. About 8 people were baptized. Kevin said the prayer before Breanna was baptized.

Kayla is saving money for her 8th grade trip next spring to Chicago. She is coming next weekend to spend the weekend with us. They are all growing up so fast.

To Hawk,
I miss you Hawk. I would love to see your little face again and hear your voice.
You were a very wonderful gift to our family.
Time goes by so fast. Your five years went by like a flash. I'll never forget you. Sometimes the days are so hard. Your Dad called on your earthly birthday (8/31). It was a hard day for him and he needed someone to just listen. I'm glad that I could be there for him. I'm sure it was a hard day for everyone. It would have been your 6th birthday here, but you went to your eternal home on Feb. 4. I miss you, our precious little grandson. I am so glad that I was so blessed to have been your grandmother. All of us miss you so much.
I love you and miss you,
Love Nannie Gwen

MORE MEMORIES OF HAWK (2001-2007)

These were made at our house during the summer of 2006.




This one was made in our pasture beside the house. Hawk loved to go over there and go to the pond and throw rocks in the little creek. He called it an adventure to to over there with Mike.

The following is a special note for Hawk and all of the children who have gone on to Heaven because of this terrible disease. I got it off of JJ's site: www.icouldbeyourchild.org. I changed it from her to he.

Hawk definitely fulfilled his mission here on earth. From day one, he was a happy, loving child. He brought a lot of people together. And a lot of people renewed their faith in God because of him. The sanctuary at our church holds about 1,000 people and it was almost full at Hawk's Celebration of Life. He touched a lot of lives in his short 5 years here.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE BRAVE LITTLE SOUL: FOR HAWK AND ALL OF THE CHILDREN

----------------------------

Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. He especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw suffering in the world. He approached God and sadly asked, “Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?”

--------------------------------

God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people’s hearts.” The little soul was confused. “What do you mean,”he asked.” God replied, “Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone.” The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, “The suffering soul unlocks the love in people’s hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love – to create this miracle - for the good of all humanity."

-----------------------------------

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain himself. With his wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people’s hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request.

-----------------------------------

But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you. God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced. In parting, God said, “Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed.”

----------------------------------------

Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through his suffering and God’s strength,he unlocked the goodness and love in people’s hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys – some regained lost faith – many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased. - J. Alessi

MEMORIES OF HAWK

------------------

All of these pics were taken when Hawk was almost 3 and Breanna was almost 4. Brooke was a few months old.



This one shows off his beautiful eyes. He was always smiling.



Tuesday, Lindy and I had taken them to Opry Mills mall to have their pics taken at Glamour Shots. All of these pics were taken at glamour shots. Lindy was pregnant with Skyla.




Breanna and Brooke taken at the mall in 2004. Brooke is 3 now and Breanna is almost 7 (will be on 10-10-2007).

I made these dresses for them.

Hawk on the motorcycle. Jamie really liked this one.

Precious little Hawk.

After the pics were taken, we took them to Build-a-Bear and let Breanna and Hawk make a puppy. Brooke was too little to make one. Breanna picked out a brown puppy and Hawk pick out a black and white one.

MORE MEMORIES OF HAWK

-----------------------------

Sept 18, 2004

----------------------

Hawk looking at his new baby sister, Skyla Sno. He was 3. This is a precious picture.

It is hard to do this, but I want to make a journal for Jamie and for Skyla. Skyla will not remember her big brother ( she called him bubba), so I want to make a journal for her and for the other grandchildren. I will make copies of this blog and put it in a folder for them. Someday it will mean a lot to them. I need to do this, but we miss him so much, but I'm thankful that we have so many pictures and movies and wonderful memories. It is still hard to think of him as a memory, but that's the way it is now.

This is a precious picture.

Hawk and Breanna in the waiting room waiting for Skyla to be born. Hawk was 3 and Breanna was almost 4. He was always smiling. I had gotten him a shirt that said, "I'm the big brother. " he was wearing it. Brooke had been born in April and I had gotten Breanna a shirt that said. " I'm the big sister."

Jamie holding his little girl. She will be 3 in Sept of this year.

These are pictures of Breanna's Kindergarten graduation. She will be in 1st grade now!!! Way to go Breanna!!

It was a very cute ceremony. They had the 8th grade ceremony first and then the kindergarten. After the ceremonies, they had a reception for everyone. All of the children got a helium balloon. Breanna went outside and let her's go up for Hawk. Any time she has a helium balloon, she lets it go for Hawk. She wants to know if she'll see all of those balloons in Heaven when she sees Hawk someday. Who knows, maybe she will. I think she will see them.

She and Brooke spent the week with us two weeks ago. We went to Wal-mart one day and bought a balloon and went to Hawk's grave and let it go for him. It went all the way up and completely our of sight.

All of these things are bittersweet. Hawk was supposed to graduate from kindergarten this year also. Even though he and Breanna were a year apart, she started to kindergarten the same year that he did because of when her birthday was. They would have been in the same grade all of the way through school. But that was not meant to be. When we make our plans, we should say: "If it is the Lord's will."

My thinking as of right now: I will not pray for a miracle again. I will pray the Lord's Prayer--Thy Will not mine be done. I will humble myself and pray for God's will to be done and let it go.

We all need prayer, but if anyone is ever praying for me, I want them to pray the Lord's Prayer and go on. A lot of people prayed for Hawk, but it was not God's will for him to stay here. God is all knowing and has infinite wisdom. I have accepted that, but we still grieve and hurt because Hawk is not here. I'm glad that I don't run the world, because it would be in a mess if I did. God's will be done in all things.

Breanna and Brooke spent a few days with us this week. We took them to the Opry Mills Build-A-Bear. We had taken Hawk and Breanna when they were 4 and 3 and they had made a puppy apiece. This time we took Breanna and Brooke. Brooke was with us the first time, but she was only a few months old, so this was her first time to get to make an animal. they both picked out a bunny rabbit. Breanna's is a darker brown and is bigger than Brooke's. They really enjoyed making them and picking out some clothes for them. Breanna named her's Brownie and Brooke named her's Pinky. After we got the bunnies, we took the girls to The Rain Forest for lunch. They really enjoyed that. There is a huge carousel at the Food Court inside the mall, so we let them ride that.

After we got home, we noticed that Breanna's bunny's voice wasn't working anymore, so we got back in the minivan and went back to Opry Mills and got that replaced and they rode the carousel again. Anyway, everything is working fine with their bunnies now.

We plan on getting Skyla one day this week and taking her to Build-A-Bear. Maybe I can get pictures of all of them with their animals.

Breanna has lost 2 teeth, so now Brooke (3) thinks that her teeth will fall out. The other day she looked at Mike and asked him if her teeth were getting loose. And then she wanted to know if his teeth were getting loose. She is so cute. They all are. All of them keep us laughing. They are a joy to have around.

Kayla and Breanna.

Kayla spent a week with Kevin and Tuesday earlier in the summer. She is coming to our house tomorrow. She's needs to raise $50. for a trip to HolidayWorld. We told her that she could help me clean the house tomorrow and we would give her $30. She already has the other $20 from babysitting. Of course, we will give her the money anyway, but she can help me, so that she can earn it. I can't believe that she is already 13 years old. She is a beautiful little lady.

This blog is part journal and part blog about our family.

Hawk's passing has been so hard on Mike and I. We miss him so much. It is not getting any easier with time. It has been 5 1/2 months since he left. As each month goes by, we realize that we will never hear his little voice or see him or talk to him again during this lifetime. We have movies of him, but it is not the same. WE MISS HIM SO MUCH. I've gone through several stages. I've been very mad, I've been very sad, I've been very depressed. I don't understand a lot of things anymore. I was always a very positive person who kept everyone encouraged. But I'm just not that person right now. And I know that our lives will never be the same. We will enjoy life and we will enjoy our grandchildren, but there will always be something missing.

Our best friends, Charlie and Fran Parson invited us to go to Florida with them in June of this year. At first I didn't want to go, but we decided at the last minute to go. We stayed 3 1/2 days in Jacksonville, Fl. and then a week in New Smyrna Beach, Fl. I am so glad that we went. We had a great time. We laughed a lot. There is nothing like the Ocean to soothe the soul. Mike and Charlie played golf a lot and Fran and I shopped. We had a great time.

When the other grandchildren are here, we have a great time with them and play and laugh with them. They are a bright spot and a joy in our lives. We do not show our sadness in front of them. It is still hard to see Skyla without Hawk. But we don't let her see any of the sadness in us. When she is here, we laugh and play with her.

I haven't written on the blog in a long time, it has been hard to write on it, but I am going to try to continue it for the other grandchildren. This is a great way to keep up with our family. Someday I will be able to look back and read all of the changes we go through. I would never be able to remember all of it without writing it down and this is the easiest way for me.

Kayla, Breanna and Brooke with a large Eagle kite.

Pretty little Skyla with her baby doll. She is a different child now. She is more independent. She is going through stage where she doesn't like to stay away from home when night time gets here. She'll stay all day with us, but when it is time for bed, she wants to go home, so we go and get her and keep her all day and then take her back at bedtime.

I had this picture and the following saying matted and framed in memory of our precious little Hawk:
---------------------------------------

One thing I know is true,
Nothing is harder than missing you.
If Love could have saved you,
You would have lived forever.
----------------------------------------

Of course we know that he will live forever because of Love. But if Love could have saved him here, He would have stayed with us longer.

I don't know about other parents and grandparents who have lost a child or grandchild, but I have a need to tell everyone about Hawk. I find myself telling perfect strangers about him and that he left us in February. I tell store clerks and my doctors and everyone. I feel a need to tell people about how precious he was and that he left us in February. I've learned a lot about all of this. In the past, if I knew someone who had lost a child or someone close to them, sometimes I wouldn't know what to say, but now I understand that they may just to need talk about that person and they just need someone to listen. People tell me that they don't bring his name up because they are afraid that it will cause us to get emotional, but I like to talk about him. He will always be a huge part of our lives. Just because he's not here physically, doesn't mean that's he's not with us. He left us with incredible memories and hearts running over with Love. And I guess that I just have a need to tell people about him. We will continue on with our lives and we will take him with us. We Love You Hawk.

March 10, 2007

Breanna and Brooke. They spent the weekend with us. We met them and their Mommy and Daddy at Cracker Barrel. On the way home, Breanna said that she wished somebody would invent a Time Machine someday. I said that she might live to see that. Then she said that if we had a Time Machine, then maybe Hawk could come back. Then she said that he couldn't come back because he was in Heaven. Then she said that we did everything we could for him. Then she started talking about the last time they were together (it was 3 days before he passed away) and they were talking about when Breanna was 6, Hawk was 5 and when Breanna got 7, he would be 6 and on and on. Anyway, Breanna was talking about that and she said that when she got 7, Hawk wouldn't be 6, because he would always be 5. She said that he was in Heaven and couldn't come back, but we could see him someday. We hadn't said anything about him. She just started talking about him. I know she misses him very much. They were very close.

We all miss him very much. Most of the time we are okay, but then we'll look at his picture and start talking about him and it's very hard. We have Skyla this weekend and that's still kind of bittersweet to have her. We enjoy her so much, but there's a bit of sadness because Hawk's not here also.

Skyla and Brooke: Brooke is staying with us until Monday March 5, 2007. She came on Wednesday. Kevin and Tuesday are in Houston, Texas at an Ameriplan convention. Breanna stayed with friends of theirs so that she can go to school. We went and got Skyla on Wednesday so that she and Brooke could play together. I picked her up at Day care. It was the first time I had picked her up there since Hawk passed away. It was very emotional for me. I cried most of the way home. The first two times we picked her up at her house, it was very hard for Mike and I. We have never had Skyla without Hawk. She is so precious. Anyway, when I got at the house with Skyla, Brooke saw her and naturally thought that Hawk should be with her and Brooke asked, "where's Hawk". We told her that he had went to Heaven. We don't know how much she understands, she's only 2 1/2.

Skyla and Brooke--Skyla was coloring, she wouldn't look at me to take her picture.
Skyla and Brooke playing on the swing set. They were so good with each other. They played so good together. We took Skyla back home on Wednesday night and then picked her up again on Thursday at daycare and she spent the night on Thursday night and spent all day Friday with us. She and Brooke had a great time with each other. We watched a lot of Dora the Explorer. We have that DVD memorized by now. They would hold hands and run through the house. If both of them wanted to do the same thing, they would take turns. Once, Brooke got in the rocker and Skyla wanted in it, so they would take turns with one sitting the rocker and the other one rocking her. On Friday, Mike decided to lay down with them so that they would take a nap. Anyway, I heard a lot of giggling coming from the bedroom. I went in there and Mike was almost asleep and the two little girls were laughing and playing. So I got them and took them in the living room with me and Mike took a nap. Skyla stayed until Friday evening and then she went to stay with Jamie for the weekend. I decided that Skyla is the closest child to Hawk. She has the same parents and the same grandparents. So when I kiss her face, it is the closest thing to kissing Hawk. We can love her and Hawk at the same time.